so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
