he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
