i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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