Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
