Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
