I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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