I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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