if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
