Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
