thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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