I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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