one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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