I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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