My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
