just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
