Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
