OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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