Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
whose parrot is this?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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