I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
