I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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