Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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