it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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