I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
