even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
