I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
