I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
