My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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