Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
