PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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