I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize