I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
