theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
