we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
