Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
