did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Hippo gnu deer
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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