Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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