I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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