I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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