i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
