Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
