South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
