So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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