it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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