Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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