i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize