she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
