70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
