I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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