She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
