Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize