You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
