I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
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