So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
