My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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