Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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