I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
