I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
