we need to drink 2009 down the drain
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
