i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
people are starting to question the shark bite story
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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