Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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