I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
