Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
