shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
