i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
