I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
