You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
