I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
