I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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